Sunday, October 09, 2016

Reboot; Let's Try That Again

So a friend read that last post and called me up to say it sounded a bit.....severe.  Not my intention really but I can see where that would be the case.  I have rarely deleted a post but after consideration did see where that one just wasn't what I was really trying to express.  Or maybe is was what I was trying to express but should not have said the way I did.  Let me explain a little.

There were several unfortunate things that converged on me last week to put me in a bad frame of mind.  The last week of September is a bad time for me to begin with.  My brother died September 25, and although it's been 23 years the day of his funeral is still a crystal clear memory. A very crisp, autumn-like day, beautiful in all other respects.  Now, the first few days I feel those cool breezes signaling the changing of the season here are forever stained with the heartache of his suicide.  I think it's mostly an unconscious thing at this point.  I don't actively think about as much as I used to.  Most of the time, it was 23 years ago.  Sometimes though.... it was yesterday.
Regrets are a funny thing.  They love company and generally like to drag others along with them.  You start doubting everything about your life.  Have I ever make a good decision?  Am I even a decent person or am I a complete sucker? The further the initial tragedy falls into the past the more numerous the addition regrets become.  It's only natural with the passing of time; you do more things, you make more decisions, some of which were mistakes.  Throw in some unstable hormones, a few health issues and you better fasten your seatbelts honey, cuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

We are going through a severe drought in Alabama and my area is especially hard hit. Everything here is as dry as cracker juice.  So of course, I get the 2 health issues that are greatly affected by the weather.  I have hurt especially bad the past 2 weeks, blood coming out my nose and my torso looks like someone dragged me naked down my gravel driveway.  It's getting better, I was even able to work out today, but psoariatic arthritis is a most miserable disease.  It's like Life says, "Hey, you don't feel bad enough, let's make you look horrible too!"  The other night I was awakened by a terrible, burning pain on my thigh. I was sure something was biting the hell out of me.  We have some small, brown scorpions here and in my fuzzy state I imagined one in bed with me.  I jumped out and ran to the bathroom, sure I would find a huge welt already forming from the sting..  Nothing.  I checked the bed and all around.  Nothing.  Next day, nothing.  No mark you could even tell.  Apparently it was just my skin deciding it would try to kill me.  It often feels like it is breaking and no amount of lotion seems to calm it down.  Gold Bond does help some though.  I know I should be thankful that I am actually as healthy as I am.  And I am thankful, truly.  Many have it much worse.  I mean, I used to build hospitals... I know.  But occasionally it gets to me a little.

I have never been blessed with what most people would call "a sunny disposition".  The ironic shit of Life has just always been too obvious to me and I'm afraid that the older I've gotten the more I've let cynicism creep in.  He's such a comforting friend and goes so well with my dry sense of humor, you see.  He's hard not to indulge.  The only lover I've kept around all these many, many years.
It's my personal belief that if you want to have a bad day, or hell, maybe 2...then have it!  In fact, have the bloody hell out of it.  Piss on these perpetually optimistic folks that go around grinning incessantly.  They need to be poked in the eye anyway. Wallow in your bad day and smear it's misery all over yourself.  Then get over it.  Be done with it. It's out of your system. When the time is right you'll have another.

 I will keep posting, although I'm not sure at what frequency.  I want to post more, seriously.  I have done some more work on the house I'd like to show everyone.  Still having some issues with the brain fog though.  In the mornings I usually feel better but tell myself, 'you need to get off your ass and work out, get outside, do art, do that welding job, and so on...instead of sitting here on this computer.!'  Daylight's a' burnin', save that for night time.  Then come night time I'm too tired, fuzzy-headed, distracted or whatever to think up any kind of post.  I'll try to do better.
I appreciate the kind comments for those of you who left them on the last post.  I regretted deleting them but they were connected to the post.  I have often felt no one is really interested in this blog anymore so it always helps to hear from those of you still around. 


JO said...

Don't beat yourself up for what you posted. If we feel that awful then you have to let it go. Maybe because I usually don't feel like a diamond lately I understand. I just get sick of being sick you know. And feeling for the past may lighten but some things are to deep to pass for ever. I guess when people are really healthy and never had a terrible loss they just don't understand. And maybe for them that is a wonderful things. I sure wouldn't want anyone else to feel this kind of thing. Hang in there.

MamaHen said...

Thanks Jo! You understand exactly what I mean. My friend understood but I think, thought things were far worse than what I meant. I didn't want to freak anyone else out.

Hermit's Baby Sis said...

I understand a little, Annie, especially having just lost my Mama this year, but I guess I'm one of those perpetually sunny folks. I'm definitely a morning person, and like to gripe about my aches and pains, but in general I'm pretty happy. Maybe having retirement peeping at me right around the corner is helping a lot.
But, I do try to be sympathetic and understanding to those who have more major issues than I. And at least you're still out there trying. We who love who and what you are on the blog have broad shoulders, and will continue to be here. Go ahead and dump if you need to - I've got room left to hold some more ...

molly said...

Annie, a few years ago it was suggested I try soapwort as a body wash. I doubted it but I have to say it has made a huge difference to my psoriasis, not the arthritis of course though.
I don't know if you can get it there although I did find this:

MamaHen said...

Hey Sis! Well, I don't mean to dump on ya'll and it kinda upsets me if it came off that way. I was just venting but I guess I can see where it would put ya'll in an odd situation of not knowing what to say etc.
I'm glad for those perpetually happy folks! I often am myself but sometimes I just get enough.

Hey Molly! I will definitely try to find it here and thanks for recommending it. My skin is so miserable I will try most anything right now.

Ed said...

Dry as cracker juice is my new favorite phrase!

MamaHen said...

Hey Ed! haha! I figured you would have heard that phrase before now!