Monday, October 18, 2021

Die Another Day

 I realized recently that my last several posts seem to just be a repeat of themselves. Mostly just mourning Allen. And I'm okay with that. It's part of the process... But I did want to make this post one of a different sort; one that is on it's on. I think because the Gabby Petito story has been so omnipresent lately. What happened to her (and countless other women) is absolutely heartbreaking. Her story has just really hit home for me, really hard... because I have known so many women that have been in very similar situations and even myself in my last relationship. I knew that I barely made it out of that one alive, but seeing Gabby's story just really, really drove it home and how that the guy's family will so often cover for them, enable them, ignore all the warning signs, and just basically let them go about doing whatever. Now, I know many families are simply NOT able to control what these men do. But many, many of them, like my ex's, just ignore the mess they know these men are and even help them, take up for them and they get away with all kinds of crap, while making the women look nuts. 

If Allen's death had any halfway positive effects, it did help me realize a lot of things about myself and my life. Through going to grief counseling and a LOT of reading of subsequent recommending material, I realized WHY I have had no familial support and why Allen meant SO much to me, even when we were not a couple. He was my only source ever, of stability and support, but because I grew up in such a unstable, violent, and demeaning way... my relationship with him often seemed "boring", simply because it was not chaotic. He was not abusive or manipulative. I was not able to recognize it as long-term, because I had never had a supportive male/ female relationship modeled for me as a child. And I think that after I started manifesting the symptoms of early Parkinson's, the severe lack of natural dopamine in my brain was affecting my decision making. Now, I know a lot of people would laugh at all of that and say I was just using that as an excuse. And I did do a lot of things at certain points, just because I didn't care anymore. Like after my brother killed himself, but I did overcome that in time. But I would tell those people to just fuck off mostly. If you have not gone through these experiences yourself, you don't know. You don't understand how manipulative and conniving some people can be. My ex's family basically laughed at me when I was diagnosed with Parkinson's, because of all the bullshit he told them. They would believe him, but not a highly recognized neurologist at the Kirklin Clinic. But immediately after I started taking the synthetic dopamine, many thought processes became MUCH more clear to me and most of my symptoms began to resolve themselves, as long as I stay on the meds. I knew some real shit was going on behind my back with my ex before I was diagnosed, but when I realized the severity of my situation and the seriousness of what it could mean, I really started taking action to get myself out of that deal. You know, when you are having a life-or-death medical emergency and he looks at you straight in the eye and says that he is going to "leave you now"... and actually does walk out the door! and you know that if you die, he will get everything you own... that shit get real very fast and it all begins to make a lot of sense... just in a very frightening way. I will never forget the look on his face when he came back after a few hours and I was sitting on the couch, very much alive. He knew the gig was up.                                                                                              His family has enabled him for decades, literally. They, to the best of my knowledge, have ignored his very erratic, aggressive behavior, not only towards women he has had relationships with but towards their own selves! They immediately demonize anyone that tries to tell them that he's the problem. They believe, or seem to, every lie he spits out; hook, line, and sinker. They enable, ignore, and even support him in his abusive, demeaning behavior. And, once again, I know that there is only so much a family can do with a grown, adult male. They can't force him into treatment or anything like that. I understand that. But the demonizing of the women he victimizes is what I don't understand, nor have patience for. I have very good reason to believe that I am not the first women that has come very close to dying around him but hopefully, due to his age, I hope I am the last. 

This sort of normalized violence against women is one reason I have pulled back on posting so much here, amongst other reasons. My last experience with my ex just really hit me in the gut. So many people are just so horribly judgmental or.... looking for their next victim. This very blog actually helped him find me in the first place and I have had one other "user" person that I previously knew, find me through this blog also.  After proving that she was just gonna start stealing from me all over again, I had to get rid of that one too. Through the counseling and reading and such over the past two years, I have begun to realize that many of the relationships I had, either romantic or otherwise, were quite parasitic on their part. They were unhealthy on my part too! But for different reasons. I let myself be taken advantage of because I thought that was normal. And let me tell you... when you rid yourself of ALL those types of people.... Wow.... life is SO peaceful. It is astounding how peaceful. But of course, that peace and quiet allows me to see and hear how much I dearly miss Allen. I'm eternally grateful that Allen and I had the last 2 years together, just me and him and had so much fun again. It was not boring at all! We both had learned so much at that point and recognized the dear relationship we had. 

I know a lot of people will just scoff at what I've written, but I don't care. I KNOW the truth and the rest of my life will be advocating for women's rights and normalizing decent mental health care for everyone. We must greatly improve both in this country to stop this kind of abuse. 


Paul Lamb said...

I don't scoff, and I don't see how any informed, contemporary person could.

MamaHen said...

Hey Paul! Thank you.! Well, I don't either but the past several years, I have been just flabbergasted at what people will do. I don't know if I have just been lucky a lot of my life or just really naïve, (I think both) but so many folks are just horrible in what they will do.