Thursday, June 08, 2017

Hello Hello!!

 Anybody still out there??!!!



 Ha!  I truly did not mean to be gone this long but I guess life, mental fogginess, apathy, spurts of busyness and everything in between has gotten in the way.  I have been feeling better lately in many ways but still seem stuck when trying to come up with anything to post about.  Maybe I've just gotten so used to the instant post and response of Facebook and similar sites that blogging seems sluggish to me.  I do know that there are many days I have trouble with typing still.  Spend more time trying to correct mistakes than actually typing.  I'm also having trouble with words more often.  I forget or just can't think of the specific words I'm trying to recall.  Of course, everyone does that to some extent but it's getting fairly frequent for me and, as someone that is used to writing fairly easily in the past, it is very frustrating.

 Unfortunately, I just don't have that much to post about it seems.  We did have our annual heavy rains and flooding, as you can see.  They just came about 4 months later than normal.  But that's fine.  We are out of our horrible drought at last.  I think there are just a few tiny area of minor drought over on the west side of the state but for the most part we seem to have recovered.  As you could see in the first photo also, our garden is doing really well.  And many of the flowers are going great this year. 

 I am struggling horribly to get back into any art business though.  Sales for all kinds of things have just plummeted.  You may recall that Allen and I had a booth in an antique/ junk mall where we were making halfway decent sales.  Well, that just all tanked, so we shut that down.  Many others in that same mall have shut down also. I'm looking into online sales, like maybe Etsy, but not sure how that's going to go.  I'll give it a go most likely.  Some people do really well and some don't.  It seems like just sort of a gamble. You never know what's going to be a seller these days. So that's really been a bummer to me.  I've never, ever had trouble making money with my crafts or construction or anything.  Now, it's just all a bomb.  I really don't know what to do.  But it's just one more thing helping me to feel about useless.

 I am having some moderate success selling produce from our garden and eggs.  I mean, it ain't nothing to make any kind of living but it helps pay my incidentals and buy a few groceries that we don't grow.  I'm going to tell you the truth...I feel cursed.  Honest to God, cursed.  Like there is some kind of blackness settled here.  I even smudged and salted the house in an effort to clear things.  It did feel better afterwards and I have had more energy to do things but everything just seems a dead end.  I have a feeling I know where it's coming from but I have no solution at this point.  I'll just have wait it out I guess.

I do not mean to abandon this blog but it's just very hard to formulate a meaningful post anymore.  My brain is just pulled in several different directions at once.  It's hard to concentrate. Typing just now I am suddenly having an excruciating time getting these words out and typing correctly.  I was doing pretty good there for a while and it's like, 2 seconds ago everything just crashed.  If I were to leave this written as is and uncorrected, you would not be able to make heads or tails of what I was trying to say.
I went to back to my neurologist on Monday and he wants to up my Mirapex dosage to see if it doesn't help this brain fog and stuff a bit more.  I'm also having a great deal of trouble with my right side and right shoulder.  Everything on that side has just become so stiff that I am having trouble functioning with some things.  I have a lot of difficulty washing my hair, getting dressed etc. because I can't raise my right arm very much.  So, went back yesterday and had an MRI and X-rays just to rule out an injury.  I don't think it's any kind of injury because when it started I felt so bad I generally didn't do crap around here.  Hard to injure yourself laying on the couch. 

So, I am really still struggling with many things.  A lot of it is emotional.  Parkinson's is a very, very difficult diagnosis to accept.  It's especially hard when you feel so alone.  It's a scary disease and no one wants to hear about it or talk abut it.  If they even believe you have it to begin with.  You want to tell people what's going on with you; why you're so slow, why you're hurting so much, why you are having trouble talking...but then, you figure maybe it's best to keep your mouth shut because you know they are judging you the whole time if you don't act like that person on TV that has Parkinson's acts.  Frustration is rampant.  I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhog Day.  Except every day I have to get up, do my exercises, run until I just can't anymore, just to get my brain to pump out enough dopamine to get my head clear enough to understand what I'm doing for the day and maybe have enough energy to do it.  Then I go to bed exhausted and it all resets itself during my sleep.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Over and over. 
And it's only me to cheer myself on, to pat myself on the back when I do pretty good for the day, when I fight back and don't just totally succumb to the whole shittiness of this condition.  I post a few photos on Facebook so that 2 or 3 people can tell me I'm doing okay.  That maybe I'm not falling so far behind that I'll never catch up.  But it actually helps.  A kind word goes a long way, even if it's not in real time.  You take what you can get, ya know?
I will improve. I will get better.  I will finish my house and I will have a happy, productive life.  There's a season for everything I guess....as the ol' saying goes.

9 comments:

JO said...

Hello Annie,

I hear your frustrations in this post. I can't say I understand but I can say I feel for you. I hope your increased meds help more. And the exercises help you to get moving.

Your garden is gorgeous and the flowers are so beautiful. I think rain is the best watering system for plants as it hasn't run through a so called cleansing through chemicals for safety haha.

I don't blog to much since there isn't much to post from here either. So I am doing weather reports about this area isn't that exciting. I thought of closing down my blog but oh well someday I might find something great to photograph and post.

Just know I do check to see if you have posted and to see how you are doing. Keep telling yourself you will get there.

Ed said...

I've pondered over to Etsy a time or two but it is beyond me. What little art I have bought has always been in person and with a personal connection of some sort. Hopefully most people are not like me and you can find that magic item that really sells well.

You may not be able to type Annie but you take pretty pictures, raise a tremendous garden and still have some energy and time to make some art projects so you have a lot to be proud in your life right now. Hang in there and things will hopefully get better. As Red Green says, "I'm pullin' for yah."

ErinFromIowa said...

So good to hear from you Annie. I understand, boy do I ever. I baby step through my days. Trying to stay positive. Today was a doozy, but I'm here typing to you! Your garden looks marvelous!

HermitJim said...

I am so glad that you are at least feeling good enough to post an update, my friend. I, for one, have been missing ya!
The place looks beautiful, as always. I'm sending you all the positive thoughts I can spare. I really do hope things start to level out for ya!

MamaHen said...

Hey Jo! Thanks for the kind words! I do also check in on your blog, although it's often a "binge read" type thing I've gotten into for some reason. I don't check any blog every day anymore but will go to my favorites every so often and read until I catch up! lol! Not sure why I've started doing that.

Hey Ed! I have always bought art or crafts that same way- in person. But apparently, tons of folks now prefer to buy online. You can tell by all the clothing stores etc. going out of business and a lot of the artists I know say they do really well on Etsy and other sights. Some don't but many must for them to be so big.
Thank you also for the kind words and encouragement. Things will get better I know. I will keep fighting this out and everything will eventually work out.

Hey Erin!! it's always good to hear from you and I so appreciate you taking the time to comment when things aren't going so good for you. I know you have health issues of your own. Here's hoping things improve for both of us!!

Hey Jim! Good to hear from you, my man! thank you so much. I'm going to try to post more often, even if it's just photos. I misss "talking" with all of ya'll here.

paullamb said...

For someone who believes she has nothing to write about you sure wrote a substantive post. Do what you can. The good ones won't judge you!

MamaHen said...

Hey Paul! ha! you are correct, as usual! Got to stop doubting myself. :D

Hermit's Baby Sis said...

Ditto to Paul and Ed's comments. We love hearing from you, Annie, and I revel in your photos. Your girls are usually hilarious, and love, love your flowers and garden.
Your keep-at-'em attitude I'm sure is helping, and I salute you. Best of thoughts and I'm praying for you.
Keep your head up ...

Anonymous said...

Annie, always good to read your post. I haven't had much time to read.
You do take amazing photos. Just post a few of those, so what if there is no theme.
You are an amazing woman. Hang in there.
Have you thought of joining a Parkinson's support group? Sadly you aren't alone in this battle.

Take care, Tammy in LA, land of lots of wet ground post Cindy