Friday, September 10, 2021

The Show Must Go On

 Hello! To anyone that might still be checking in. I'm sorry that I have been away so long and I DO appreciate those that have left comments and condolences. I have meant to post something before now but just have been very busy and not really of a mind to compose much that made sense. 

So much of this blog seems so irrelevant now. There is hardly any of it that I can identify with anymore. I guess a lot of people would be surprised that Allen's death would have affected me that much but then, very few people know mine and his full history and what we meant to each other. We had a difficult relationship at times, but we always loved each other truly, up to the very end. I still have a really hard time grasping that he is gone. I am still going to grief counseling though, so I am making progress.  I think what a lot of folks fail to consider also, is that I have lost so much besides Allen, in the last few years. Of course, his was the greatest by far, but losing my health to Parkinson's.... my career, which I really did enjoy and it gave me a sense of purpose. A certain amount of my art also, which I had a lot of identity in. And, as the death of a partner or spouse often brings, I have lost a fair amount of friends. You know, couple friends that Allen and I would go out with, this and that. I'm in the "widower's club" now. And other "friends" who felt his death was a great opportunity to take advantage of me. I learned even before he died, that there are many people in this world who feel perfectly justified in trying to take everything you've worked hard for. You finally get to where you have something, after all those years of work and they'll be sitting there with a knife behind their back. I narrowly escaped from that situation and others, only to go into Round 2 after Allen passed. People are vultures. 

And other people just don't know what to say or do. You have about 6 months top, to get over grief, and after that most people lose patience with you. They don't understand that 27 years of my life died along with Allen. 27 of my best, healthiest, happiest years. No one else that was actively involved in those years is still around. Either they also have passed away, or they have chosen to not contact me anymore, or I had to remove them because of toxic behavior. Of course, I still have friends from before Allen, and I am eternally grateful for them. They have been a great help. And I still have a little of my work family, which has also been a great relief and help. But it's like 27 years are just gone. I have almost no connection to those years anymore. I know it's hard to make someone understand the significance of that but it's very disconcerting. It leaves you feeling very, very lost and without direction. 

But... I am doing my best to forge on ahead though. I am doing my best to plan a new life. Allen would be very disappointed in me if I were to give up, so I can't do that. At this point, I really don't have any idea what a new life looks like, but I will figure something out. I have mentioned before that my house here means nothing to me anymore and........ that's not really true. It does mean something to me because of everyone that helped me build it. Even that aggravating ol' BFA. But it's just so lonely there now.  And as far as what Allen and I inherited from that ol' bastard Fred.... there is not enough drywall mud and paint in this world to cover up the horrid memories of that experience. I do not regret ever being compassionate and caring for even bad people, but I question whether we really should have gotten involved in all of that. I will forever regret moving to this county and settling down here. But, nothing I can do about it now. Just have to make the best of what I can. To that effect, my nephew has expressed interest in renting or possibly buying my house and land, which I would be happy for him to have. He is deployed right now with the Army but will be out soon and does not want to move back to his place of birth. He is a very good young man and I know he will take care of it. 

As for myself, I plan on finishing cleaning up (y'all remember Fred was a extreme hoarder), remodeling, repairing and then sell everything. I would like to move back towards Birmingham where I have happy memories and would be closer to UAB and Kirklin. I got transferred to a great neurologist there and have improved a lot in my fight against Parkinson's. I would like to be involved in more research and maybe some trials too. I want to do something positive. 

You know, so much of the world is so different now, than it was before Allen died. This Covid virus and people are SO politically distanced from one another. It's especially bad here in the South if you are not conservative and Allen and I are not. I never thought of myself as particularly liberal either, but if you don't go along with these ridiculous religious and political stances, then you are the Devil. In their eyes. It can be rather scary at times. So I keep a low profile and another reason to get out of this county. 

So, I hope you all are doing well and having a good life. I really do. I hope you'll leave me a comment. I have thought about starting another blog but it doesn't seem right in a way. I don't think people are much interested in them in some ways, anymore. Maybe I'm wrong. I really do want to find something constructive to do with what time I have left. I'm not done for yet!