Thursday, January 05, 2023

Never Going Back Again

Hello! To anyone who may still be checking in here on occasion. I'm still around but time marches on and lots of things have changed in the last 3 years since Allen died. I still find typing those words to be weird but after a little more than 2 years of grief counseling, I can type them now without a breakdown. I am doing better these days. I miss Allen terribly but that man taught me to be a survivor more than anything, so I have to keep going. And I have survived a lot.... and kept making progress. I admit I was in a very bad place for quite some time but you know, I am doing good now. And I'm not embarrassed for my struggle. I'm proud of myself for continuing on and for really diving in to learn enough about myself to see why I tolerated so much shit in my life for so long. It's been hard to come to grips with some personal things, to see and understand how much I was abandoned as a child, manipulated as a young adult, and how that affects a person later. But I stuck it out and I've learned and done the really hard work of holding MYSELF responsible for healing from these things. Allen's untimely death was the catalyst for these things and I swear that I will do whatever it takes to give his life all the meaning I can. Because his life meant something to me. 

I am stronger than ever in many ways. Maybe not physically, although not too bad there... but my soul is strong and I have risen above everything meant to take me down.                                                          I survived Allen's death, which I did basically alone, other than my grief counselor. That in itself is almost a miracle.                                                                                                                                            

I've continued to work on the house and am nearing completion!! It looks wonderful. Need to do some landscaping but it's all coming along. I probably won't post much more about the house; it doesn't really matter much anymore. But it will soon be done and that's what counts. I finished it for Allen. 
It has a nice, new HVAC system that works great! No more chopping firewood unless you just want to. Let me also say... The house, and surrounding property, has a great surveillance system installed also. Cameras you can see.... and some that you can't. And it all goes to the Cloud immediately. Battery back up in case the power goes out. You get the idea. 
I have also survived a couple of fair-weather friends who hung around for what they could use me for. When you come to a point in your life where your hard work starts paying off materially.... there are a number of people who will do their best to relieve you of whatever they can. Some feel they didn't get dealt as good a hand in life and see that as an excuse to take. Some think you are too sick to notice, so  what would it hurt? Well, it does hurt. You don't take what is not yours. 

Life has also turned a bit sweet too! I met a wonderful man this past year. I was quite surprised that I could open my heart again but I have and he is wonderful. A real true man. He had a great career in the Army, left as a warrant officer. 2 tours in Iraq but he feels good about his service, his combat. He is truly a loving, gentle man and that is what a real man is. We have a wonderful time together and even though I really have no idea how long we will stay together, I am having a wonderful time with him and find joy in living again. 

And this man is so helpful on days I physically struggle. He helps me and without motive. Other than he cares for me. I am going on 6 years being diagnosed with early Parkinson's and I can feel it progressing. Oh yeah... of course, some think I'm making it up! Haha! That' so funny that I could get 3 premier neurologists to go along with a made-up diagnosis! Especially my current doctor being an excellent movement-disorder physician at an internationally recognized hospital. Haha! I must be an incredible actress. Maybe I should get an agent? Haha! But seriously... I am working very hard to stay ahead of this disease and very soon hope to get into a position where I can do more for research and fundraising. I've been lucky enough to get into a great support group and get into a treatment schedule that is helping a lot. 

Ol Chigger is still plugging along. She's getting pretty old now and can't see or hear very well but she's still doing pretty good. All of my chickens died of old age, so she spends her days just napping in the sun, rather than guarding hens. I don't have time to garden any more either but hope maybe that will change in time. 

So, life is very different for me now but it is still good. In fact, it promises to get even better. Of course, Allen will always be in my heart. I will never get over him not living to enjoy this place, after all the hard work we both put in it. And the 15 years we were caregivers for an old bastard that made Allen's last couple of years very hard... that is something I may never really be able to resolve in my heart. Some parts of life are still too cruel for me to understand. But I won't forget. In fact, I swear to Allen that I will build something positive from that. I'm not sure what right now, but I will. 

For many many years, I struggled hard with the idea that people get what they deserve, as most religions and people like to teach. I've been thru enough and seen too many good, honest people get took by horrible examples of humankind. I wrestled with this over and over again with my grief counselor, who happens to be a minister. He would never give me a straight But I don't think you can. That's something people have to figure out and decide for themselves. And I think I have decided. It may take years and years... but people do eventually get their reward. Good or bad. You get to have a peaceful life and death. Or not. The reward may not be riches or a big loving family or an illustrious career. Or it might. But I think being able to sleep at night with a clear conscience... bleeds out into the rest of your life. And you can see that in people by what their hands and lives produce. They will sow either love, joy, tranquility, optimism.... or they will sow hatred, strife, greed, jealousy.... They can talk and talk and explain and make excuses.. but you look for those qualities and that will tell you everything you need to know. Believe the evidence or not. 

I hope you all are doing well and enjoying life. I suspect that many of my older dear readers are no longer with us. Sadly. So we must remember to make the most of the life we have. It is very hard at times but we can overcome. Keep fighting the good fight. Drop me a comment or email if you can. I do still enjoy hearing from anyone.