'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the kitchen
Not a creature was stirring, not even Basement Chicken.
The stockings were hung by the fireplace with screws
In hopes that Jack would notice the cues.
The chickens were nestled all snug in their coop
And I was trying hard not to step in their poop.
And Jack in his T-shirt and I in my slip
Had just settled down for some nog and some lip
When out in the woods I heard such a ruckus
I fell off the couch and landed on my tuckus!
Away to the door I hobbled kinda quick
Flung open the same and stepped on a stick.
When what to my blurry eyes should appear
but a big goofy bloodhound and eight giant deer!
With a yip and a yalp and a howl so loony
I knew in a moment, it must be stupid Ernie!
More thunderous than cattle, here they all came
I cursed and shouted and called him such names
You dumbass, you stupid, you lousy ol' cur!
I'll beat you, I'll choke you (just joking)
if you don't get outta hur!! (that's redneck vernacular)
So up through the valley they all did run
With Chigger in hot pursuit
If only I'd had my gun.
But I did hear him yelp as he ran out of sight
and I laughed at the thought of how Chigger can bite!
So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!