Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Different Drum

After reading some comments and such from "Story Of My Life", I was afraid that maybe I had come across as bitter or blaming towards my parents for my childhood and I just wanted to clarify that was not the case. Like I said, it was what it was. I didn't have the best childhood but I wasn't abused either; I always had enough to eat and clothes to wear and in a lot of ways my having to be so self-reliant has aided me greatly now. I just wish sometimes I had not felt so alone back then and I'm afraid now that that feeling of being on my own, forever, affects me subconsciously. I believe sometimes I inadvertently give people, especially guys, the idea that I want to be alone. That's not it at all, it's just all I know.
What I was trying to say, in addition to what I believe made me how I am now, is just that about everybody in this world is dealt at least one crappy card. It might be your health, your family, your position in life or whatever but you can't let that one, or even more, crappy cards dictate your life. With enough determination you can many times turn that crappy card into an advantage even. I had two friends growing up that were sisters. Now, they had a rough go of it. They had a horridly, abusive childhood. I saw it with my own eyes and even suffered through some of it with them, unknown to my own family. I recently found the two of them through the wonders of the Internet. The oldest one, that is my age, has done well for herself and has a good man and looks like, two sweet kids. The sister is a year younger than us and she is just the opposite. She has had her kids taken from her and is in and out of rehab all the time. Now, I am NOT putting her down. I still love my friends and feel so badly for her. If anybody has a reason to still struggle with things, it's these two. But at some point you have to just determine that you are not going to let those bad things rule you anymore. Yeah, shitty things happen to good people but you have to find a way to pick yourself up and say, well, I didn't deserve that, but I also don't deserve to suffer the rest of my life. Now, some of you may say, that's easy for you to say, you didn't have an abusive childhood and you would be right. But I have suffered through several staggering blows in my life at any rate. I paid and provided, albeit unknowingly, for my own brother's preferred method of offing himself. Have that happen and see how bad it screws with your brain. And I succumbed to it for several years. But then I said I have to go on. It was not my decision for these things to happen in my life but it is my decision in what I do now.
It may seem that I'm a little off topic but really it's still the same. When my own family said, "you should have just been born a boy" or "if you are going to be like this, you don't even need to get married" and on and on, it hurt me for a long time. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why they felt so determined to point it out. Just let me be me, I'm not a bad person because I can weld!! But I finally realized this was my life and they didn't have to be me, so it was up to me to make my life what I wanted. And they could stuff it if they didn't like it.

On another note, turns out I was even more correct about the 'faulty genetics' than I thought! After writing that post I just happen to stumble upon several articles about a genetic disorder that affects infant girls before they are born. Turns out, I am just one, big birth defect! I'll tell ya'll what I mean later but it does help explain 'me' quite a bit.

*Linda Ronstadt


Rita said...

You think you are different but you are so normal. Your honesty amazes me. You ended up with a bad deal in not being able to find a guy to love you. I pray that soon both you and my daughter will find that special guy. I wish men had more patience. Seems if they don't see what they are looking for on the first date they are gone. It takes a while for a girl to trust a man and be herself. If a man would be patient he might end up with the best girl a guy could have.

Loretta said...

I don't think you sounded bitter at all. I have all ways thought that having a bad childhood was no reason to feel sorry for my self. So many people try to blame childhood on everything that goes wrong in their life. So what if life wasen't made me strong. Good post! A lot to think on.

Deb said...

I appreciate your honesty. It makes me think I need to come more clean in my blogging myself. My life is not perfect, my choice of a mate is far from perfect, but hey, that's life.

ErinFromIowa said...

Benign neglect. I experienced it also growing up.

This quote has resonated with me lately:
Everything will happen. If we set the intention, then it will come to pass. How I behave during that process is all I can control.

Loving the lily shots!

Sissy said...

How well you can write! Very good post, Annie. I laughed with your 'one big birth defect'. Treat yourself gently to counteract any negatives thrown your way. Who else better for support?
My recent post has links for help in understanding why we feel as we do. Its that little child still within us that needs nurturing with kindness.

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

Just keep on being "you" and enjoy your life, friends. Life is indeed what WE make it. Some go with it, others complain and do nothing. You are a doer and that is a very good thing.

Eutychus2 said...

History is replete with 'birth defects,' that's what's made America such a great place to live in ....... you're a contribution! Thanks.

edifice rex said...

Hey Reet! well, maybe normal in some of the things I want out of life but I think that's about it! I know practically no other women that would get more excited over a new pair of steel-toes boots than they would a new purse. ;) lol!
I actually don't have trouble getting a guy I go out with to stick around; sometimes I have a heck of a time getting them to go away! I am often the one with no patience because I know I don't NEED a man and therefore can be extremely picky.
The way I see it, not having a guy is not always a bad deal; there are much worse things in life. It would be nice to have a mate but I ain't gonna shut my life down because I don't.

Hey Loretta! thanks and you are right! good to hear from you!

Hey Deb! thanks! but hey, don't feel you need to tell a lot of stuff about your personal life just on account of me. :)

Hey Erin! that's a great quote; I like that a lot.

Hey Sissy! thank you ma'am! Yeah, I read your recent posts and they were very interesting.

Hey Beatrice! thanks; well, I just don't see any other way to be!

Hey Euty! Yay me!!!!! thanks!