My Heart Is Broken

October 23 my heart was ripped in half.  Allen passed away suddenly from a massive stroke and I don't think my heart will ever be whole again. If you've read this blog for long then you know Allen and how much a part of my life he was and I was to him. Well beyond romantic partners, we were best friends, cohorts, work buddies. Allen and I have been together for 27 years, in one form or another. Almost all of my adult life. I met him when I was only out of college maybe a year. He was there to help me through my brother's death. He is the reason I got into construction and became a tradesperson. No matter what life brought, we were always there for each other. It occurred to me the other day that, even though we never took the marriage vows with each other, we lived them with each other and it was only death that parted us.

I've experienced well over my share of pain and heartache in my life. And I've gotten a belly full of Life's unfairness. We had finally found freedom from taking care of others (Fred passed away in April), Allen was able to do whatever he wanted with his property and life, and we were enjoying just being. He was joyously working on building a coffeeshop, after spending his entire life building things for everyone else. No worries but what to have for lunch or supper.
It was just me and him again and, although we remained just friends, we were closer than we had been in a very long time. We were having fun and I was starting to feel better after finally getting my meds adjusted correctly. Finally feeling like living again. All those years we, but mostly he, took care of Fred and took his abuse, and Allen doesn't even outlive him a year. There is nothing that will ever make sense to me anymore. Nothing is fair, right, justified....nothing.

I am eternally grateful that I was with him and able to get him to the ER in a timely manner but it came on so fast no one seemed to see it coming. It actually appeared to be his heart at first. The last thing he knew was talking to me and that I was holding his arm. He "lived" until the next day when they took him off life support but I know he passed away not long after he lost consciousness.

It's really hard for me to understand he's gone. I swing between numbness and the most excruciating pain I've ever known. I can only hope he understood how much I love him and that one day we will be together again.

So Much To Say

I just spent an hour and a half typing a fairly detailed account of what's been going on and how I am doing, and Blogger just ate it all. I have no idea where it went. So, that's really frustrating. I have trouble typing these days as it is and then to have it deleted after I struggled through a fairly long post.....You are a piece of crap, Blogger.
If I get the energy, I will try to redo it all. I am doing very well and am happy. Things are going very well. I'll try to get back soon. There has been a great many changes and stuff happening and I'd like to update everyone.

In the meantime, I am on Facebook if you would like to join me there. You might send me a PM if you never commented a lot on the blog, so that I know who you are. I don't know that I will ever get back to posting much here but I do write some on FB and post about the house and stuff. It's actually easier to post on Facebook and I can control who sees my life there. I'm not very inclined anymore to just open everything up to the world at large. I got nothing to hide but I do not trust people and the world is very, very different than what it was 12 years ago when I first started blogging.

I will include a photo of one recent project I just finished. I got all the flooring down in the bedroom and repainted, redecorated etc. I am very pleased with the results. I will try to blog about installing the flooring. I'm moving on to the kitchen now.

Here I Am

Well, so....I just look at people like this all the time now actually. But anyway. Hey! I'm still around and doing well. I'm tired and have a lot going on but I'm doing good.

 Since the last time I posted my Mom had a small stroke, which she recovered very well from. Then she had some spinal issues but we got that worked out also. Since my brother lives in the way northern part of the state and she and my sister had a bit of a row, I was the main caregiver in these incidences. But that's fine because Mama is generally easy to deal with. Then we had new windows put in her house and I went out of town a few times to do some work for Daddy Rabbit. That was fun but hard on me physically.

I have a couple of part-time jobs and various work I do, some of it from home. So that's great. Let's me work on things here too and rest when I need to or when I'm having a real bad day.

Then about 2 weeks ago a huge tornado came through here, right down my road. I was actually at my Mom's when it happened, and we watched it on TV! They were pointing at my road and saying, "it's right here!". I had no idea if I had a house anymore or anything. I couldn't get Allen on the phone, which scared me to death! I finally got home but it took a long time as there were countless trees down on our road. The police told me it was over 40 down. I don't doubt it. Both ways were blocked. I finally got in through an old gravel back road and then to Allen's to see if he was okay. He was!!. My place was okay. Several trees down and the top of one through the chicken's run but they are all okay too. We were without power for a couple of days and without phones for several but they finally got it all fixed. Still cleaning up the mess.  Then another one came through early this morning but I was so tired I slept through it. It did some damage but was further north of here.

Seems like there has been more to happen but I can't remember. I have meant to post more, but in lots of ways I am reluctant to post much. I just don't have as much to say anymore and I don't trust anyone. That little meme I started with is actually true. I've had someone (guess who) try to break into my credit card account. I got the ol' "you've tried to log it too many times" email from them and saying I must change my password. Which I promptly did and on a bunch of other stuff too. Then they were trying to get a hold of other financial info. Trying to find out how I'm living and not having to sell this place or whatever. No, I'm not living off credit cards or some man. Ha! I'd drink gasoline before there will ever be another man living here. But anyway, I'm just not inclined to talk much anymore. I don't trust people, due to so much bullshit and so many batshit crazy people that will cut your throat first chance they get. I would like to start another blog and refine what I post about but things have got to get less crazy first.
I hope everyone out there is doing well.! I do hope to establish some kind of posting again about the house, because I am starting to work on it again. But also a personal blog in another location. I hope you'll check in on me every once in a while.