Thursday, March 05, 2015

Long Way To Happy

 Yes, the seal has been broken....

I've avoided writing because, basically, I knew it was just going to be a lot of complaining on my part and nobody particularly wants to hear that.  So, it's still just going to be a lot of complaining on my part but I decided well, what the heck.  I'd let you few people know what's going on anyway.  Some of you may be mostly stuck inside, maybe looking to hear a little something from somebody familiar.  

Jack and I are mostly over our sickness but the congestion is still hanging around making me feel terribly sluggish.  It's cold and rainy and dark.  We have had a couple of warm, sort of sunny days and any time the gloom breaks we try to spend some time outside.  Even if it's nothing more than walking around the yard picking up sticks and things that the wind and rain knock down.  I fantasize about selling this place and moving to where it's warm and sunny; a southern beach...somewhere out west.  I laugh about how the chickens would have to get used to such a change.  You know I could not go without my girls.  If it's not raining I go out and sit with them for a little while, one or two of them in my lap huddled against the cold, and we commiserate over our circumstances.  They warm their little feet on my legs and try to cheer me with their chatter.  Occasionally they peer up into my face to make sure I'm paying attention.

I finally bit the bullet and got all the info together for our taxes.  That was pretty disheartening.  Every penny I made last year went to pay for either health insurance premiums or, in equal sums, what the insurance did not cover.  They substantially raised my premium again this year and that makes it even less likely I can actually afford to use it, so I won't.  I've got to concentrate on making a better living anyway.  To that end, the clay I ordered about 6 weeks ago finally made it to Atlanta and Jack and I will make a trip over there as soon as this icy weather lets up.  I've about resigned myself to the fact I'll probably have to start doing art/craft shows again to be able to significantly increase my income.  I do enjoy doing the shows and it gives me a reason to get out but it's just a matter of regaining that momentum.  That, and I will have to totally redo my booth set-up.  New tent, new shelves, the whole nine yards.  Then of course, you have to actually produce your product!  

I have to start getting out though, in some way.  I have difficultly existing when I do not feel useful...and I have not felt anyway near that in a very long time.  Other people don't seem to have this issue and it confuses me.  I often get strange looks when I say I feel like I'm wasting my life.  Don't other people feel like they should somehow make a difference?  Yes, I have signed up for several volunteer organizations but they never called back.  Illness or pain has kept me from traveling much anyway but it's time to just get over it and start working again.  I'm almost feeling well enough to go back to the gym and that should help also. So, there it is.  The crappy crap of all this existential crap.   It occurred to me today...... that nothing I've seen so far in this life is worth the amount of heartache and pain we must endure while we are here.  That's a horrible thought.

8 comments:

Ed said...

I dream of sometimes selling this place and moving to some place warmer like Alabama!

My parents are finally starting to get better after two weeks of the death crud that sounds like what you are having and what I had a month ago. I've never been so ready for spring to get here.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how many people read your blog, but I, for one, adore it. Living in an urban center, Toronto, and working as a chef, in the past I found myself working long hours, not taking care of myself, and spending all my energy towards making customers happy while neglecting my home life.
Your writing has been a big inspiration in my decision to focus more of my efforts towards the woman I love and the home we have. The keeping of chickens, the creation of our own garden, even the odd home renovation... although I am much more skilled with a knife than with a hammer or tape measure.
Finding your site via "Pure Florida" (where I was looking for Datil Chili info) has been a very happy surprise. I hope you and Jack feel better soon. Keep fighting the good fight.
From frozen Toronto.
kb

JO said...

Hearing something from you even if you call crap is better than hear nothing. what I thought was some kind of crud for me turned out to be an allergic reaction to the paint being used on the exterior of my house. Oh Well To Bad So Sad. It will go away soon and I will be fine if the damn wind ever stops blowing. Oh sorry this is your blog I'm ranting on. LOL
You may be right getting back out and doing your art and pottery might do some good. But Only you know that. Hope it warms up for you there.

edifice rex said...

Hey Ed! lol! well, Alabama certainly would be warmer than where you are. I could not imagine living any further north than maybe Tennessee.! I am very, very ready for spring also. I think everybody is.

Hey KB! Not very many people at all read my blog any more, much less comment, so I truly appreciate when you take the time. It really makes me feel good to know somebody, somewhere has gotten something out of my writing. Thank you so much for telling me. Sounds like you have a wonderful thing going on up there! that's great! I will keep fighting...some days you just get hammered pretty good and have to sit down for a minute. :)

Hey Jo! Wow, that's odd you had such a strong reaction to that paint. It looks good though, btw; I saw your pictures. Glad you found out what it was though and hopefully will feel better soon.

mohave rat said...

When my pain is at it's most severe and there is no end in sight, I suffer from "mad dog syndrome" I don't get depressed, first I get mad as hell, at myself, at the world, at whoever happens to be close by. Then the darkness rolls end. Life is always better than non life. Always.. I have to believe that or I would have been gone long ago. Better to strike a match than curse the darkness. I wish you peace.

Island Rider said...

Craft shows can be tortuous, but I find I sell more books that way than any other. Something about the personal touch and the sales pitch from the creator. Get yourself a square that attaches to your phone so you can take credit cards though. No one carries cash or checks anymore. They all want to use their debit or credit card. Praying for you.

edifice rex said...

Hey Rat! thanks for the comment. Yeah, I get mad sometimes too, or what I would call "pissy". lol! very, very pissy. Neither one is any good.

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

Even though I don't comment all the time, Annie, I do read your blog and appreciate your honesty in telling how you feel, giving your opinions, etc. Grenville and I did the craft sale circuit when living in VA and it is hard work from producing yiur product to setting up and doing the sale, but it was also energizing in many ways. We are not doing shows any more, but wish you success.