Long Way To Happy

 

 Yes, the seal has been broken....

I've avoided writing because, basically, I knew it was just going to be a lot of complaining on my part and nobody particularly wants to hear that.  So, it's still just going to be a lot of complaining on my part but I decided well, what the heck.  I'd let you few people know what's going on anyway.  Some of you may be mostly stuck inside, maybe looking to hear a little something from somebody familiar.  

 I am mostly over my sickness but the congestion is still hanging around making me feel terribly sluggish.  It's cold and rainy and dark.  We have had a couple of warm, sort of sunny days and any time the gloom breaks we try to spend some time outside.  Even if it's nothing more than walking around the yard picking up sticks and things that the wind and rain knock down.  I fantasize about selling this place and moving to where it's warm and sunny; a southern beach...somewhere out west.  I laugh about how the chickens would have to get used to such a change.  You know I could not go without my girls.  If it's not raining I go out and sit with them for a little while, one or two of them in my lap huddled against the cold, and we commiserate over our circumstances.  They warm their little feet on my legs and try to cheer me with their chatter.  Occasionally they peer up into my face to make sure I'm paying attention.

I finally bit the bullet and got all the info together for our taxes.  That was pretty disheartening.  Every penny I made last year went to pay for either health insurance premiums or, in equal sums, what the insurance did not cover.  They substantially raised my premium again this year and that makes it even less likely I can actually afford to use it, so I won't.  I've got to concentrate on making a better living anyway.  To that end, the clay I ordered about 6 weeks ago finally made it to Atlanta and  I will make a trip over there as soon as this icy weather lets up.  I've about resigned myself to the fact I'll probably have to start doing art/craft shows again to be able to significantly increase my income.  I do enjoy doing the shows and it gives me a reason to get out but it's just a matter of regaining that momentum.  That, and I will have to totally redo my booth set-up.  New tent, new shelves, the whole nine yards.  Then of course, you have to actually produce your product!  

I have to start getting out though, in some way.  I have difficultly existing when I do not feel useful...and I have not felt anyway near that in a very long time.  Other people don't seem to have this issue and it confuses me.  I often get strange looks when I say I feel like I'm wasting my life.  Don't other people feel like they should somehow make a difference?  Yes, I have signed up for several volunteer organizations but they never called back.  Illness or pain has kept me from traveling much anyway but it's time to just get over it and start working again.  I'm almost feeling well enough to go back to the gym and that should help also. So, there it is.  The crappy crap of all this existential crap.   It occurred to me today...... that nothing I've seen so far in this life is worth the amount of heartache and pain we must endure while we are here.  That's a horrible thought.