First, let me say that ya'll are some great people and I love ya, every one. I appreciate so much all your comments and sentiments. It really just astounds me that people that I have never met would take the time to show concern for me and regularly read my disjointed ramblings. You know, I never really meant for this blog to go in this direction. I don't really mind; it's all part of life I guess, and I actually don't disclose everything but I don't want it to turn into some kind of melodramatic free-for-all either. I've told a lot of the stories and experiences because I thought it might help someone else going through something similar (and from emails I've gotten, it has) and just because I wonder if other people wonder about some of the same things. Or am I just psycho? But, really, so what if I am psycho; it makes for an interesting story!
Anyway, I think I need to clarify some of the stuff that I wrote in that last post. Unfortunately, when I get upset and aggravated, I tend to just blurt stuff out and not take time to really explain what I'm thinking. So, to that end, let me try to clear some stuff up.
First, I'm not having issues with the experience of blogging specifically. It's real life that I'm having the problems with right now! And I'm not having a problem with sharing these experiences really; I guess I'm just frustrated with trying to explain what's going on (not that I really need to) but I do feel some obligation to let ya'll know some of what's going on if I just drop off the face of the earth for a while.
Secondly, I am definitely very tired physically. I figured it up the other day and in the past 20 months (aside from weekends and the occasional sick day), I have been able to take a single, one week vacation. Seven days in a row. In almost 2 years. Oh, I did get three days in a row the other week when they thought I might have had a heart attack. Now, I certainly don't want to sound like I'm complaining about having lots of work in this current economic climate but I'm tired. And ya'll know what I do for a living. We haven't been pouring a lot of concrete lately but I've been doing an unusual amount of welding, which makes me very tired. And for the past two weeks we have been having to partially hand-dig a footing inside the building that is about 250 feet long. The dirt under the slab is so hard we are having to jackhammer it out. That's some hard dirt. This tiredness leaves me with little energy sometimes to work around the house, which leads to other frustration.
But mainly, lately, the upset and frustration is from the personal disappointments that keep coming up. And I'm not disappointed for myself necessarily; it's my seemingly inability to help or assist anyone else. It seems that for most of my adult life, I have been the "jumping off" point for numerous people, friends and family that feel that they are at the end of their rope and so they come to me, for some reason beyond my comprehension. Now, this part I don't mind; I would love to be that strong person that can help anyone but I can't and I fail them and then they're gone. Oh, let me go to Annie, she'll help me (i.e. let me move in with her, support me, etc. etc.) Oh, but that's still not enough, so let me throw my whole life down the dark hole of despair now! Annie's a strong person; she can handle it. My brother actually said those words to me right before he killed himself.
So many people (here in real life) have told me that I just need to write people off; don't open yourself up, don't even try to help people. They're grown adults, they can do for themselves. I know that you can't help everybody, you can't support people in unhealthy cycles and all that. People do have to pick themselves up and resolve things in their own mind. But can't you be a helping hand? I do not want to become a cynic and hard-hearted.
This is mainly what I meant when I said, in the last post, that I should be able to do something. I mentioned a family of my own but I misspoke on that. See, I tend to see people that have a family as doing something worthwhile, NOT that anyone who doesn't have kids is wasting their lives. NOT true and plenty of people that have kids just should not. But so many, especially a lot of the bloggers I read, seem to have such great kids who are aspiring to do great things for our society or great jobs or just completely 'green' lives and that's good. I actually have never wanted kids of my own (and turns out just as well as I probably can't have them) but I feel for the little ones that don't have a family or a good life.
I also don't know that I am particularly interested in having a husband and I know everybody has gotten the idea that I do because I haven't explained things well. It's not really something that I will get into, for fear of offending, but let's just say that my reasons for wanting a man around are not quite that "noble". God knows I don't need one around to do for me. Or get his paycheck. NOT that women that have a husband (or mate) use them for that only. It would just be nice to have someone to talk to when the lights go out, ya know. But I'm a complete person by myself and enjoy my life for the most part. And I have plenty of friends and buddies.
So, I've probably left something out but that is the main gist of it all. I am going to try to continue to post but it may be very erratic for a while. I might post several times over the weekend and then disappear again. I might just post photos with no text for a while. I think that may be an interesting concept. Especially if the photos are...um ....interesting. And yes, I'm going to rewrite that sidebar description!
But, as I said before, ya'll are a great bunch of people and your comments really do help me and make me feel better. You just don't know how much. And thank you for continuing to check in on me.