I really appreciate all of you who have read this blog and endured all of my craziness and bizarre stories. I also greatly appreciate all of your wonderful and kind comments and encouragement. I'm trying to make a concerted effort not to make this sound like a whinefest and explain things in a rational manner, so to that end, I am leaning heavily towards just shutting my blog down. All the old info will be left up but I don't know that I will add anything new.
As I read the description on the sidebar, I realize that this blog is not about anything even remotely like what I'm spouting it is. In fact, I'm sick of this house and about everything else, including myself. I planted this garden and all the while wondered what the hell am I doing this for. I'll never eat most of it and sure am not going to invest the energy to put anything up. I'll give away most of the food it produces, so it won't be wasted, but really, I don't know why I went to the trouble. I don't eat much anymore and don't feel like going to the effort of cooking for just me. I think that is the main thing: all of this is not worth the effort for the sole benefit of myself. And yeah, I know, an independent woman like myself shouldn't put such emphasis on being part of a pair. However, it's not that so much as I have the firm belief that we are here to help and benefit each other, not to just serve ourselves. And I should be able to do something, even if I can't have a family of my own. But it just seems despite my best efforts, my building this house and attempting this particular life (and documenting it here) is of no benefit to anyone, not even myself. Well, it benefits me in that I have a dry place to sleep but other than that, what the hell?
This all sounds pretty crappy and like I'm being a butt I know, but I'm just being honest. There's no point in this. I am, however, not wallowing in self pity and just planning on laying down. I've got a long list of things I'm going to try to bring some meaning to all this. I've printed off some applications for things, located some sources for volunteering my time. Maybe join an appropriate organization or two. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for but I know something's got to change. Am I feeling pretty down? Yeah, I am and know that is a lot of this but I know also that I have felt bad with my heart again this week and I'm getting more tired at work sometimes. I don't know, there just has to be more to it than this. I've just got to figure out what it is for me.
Thanks again for reading.