Magic Time

I thought I'd drop another little update and put up a few fun photos that I recently received. This was one of the more fun projects that Allen and I did together, which was to set this large bronze sculpture for my former sculpture professor at the University of Montevallo. It was a very interesting and challenging project. I miss those days dearly.

 I'm the one in the brown overalls, by the way. Haha! So, I meant to say on the last post that I actually will maintain this blog. I will still answer questions because, unbelievably enough, I still get technical questions on posts that are 10 years old. So, I will still answer questions. Will still keep things in order and I am slowly cleaning the blog of a lot of personal posts; stuff just not related to the house, work, building, gardening, or that sort of thing. The blog is valuable to me, in that it is a great reference point in regards to time and projects that I, or Allen and I worked on. It's a great diary and has even provided some great insight into my health issues because I started recording my symptoms years before I was diagnosed with Parkinson's.

 I also wanted to note on that subject: I have finally, finally made great progress on the incredibly horrid pain I used to have in my hips and rear end. It's basically gone now. I can ride in a vehicle fine, even for extended trips. It started going away after I got on a decent dosage of the carbo/ levodopa in 2017 and has just continued to fade away. My new doctor prescribed an extended release carbo/levodopa for nighttime that has helped incredibly well and with it, that hip/ sciatic pain is gone. I will occasionally have a little hip pain that jumps back and forth between hips but it's nothing like I used to have. It's amazing. Of course, I still have tremendous amounts of pain elsewhere, mainly my Achilles tendons, feet, calves, hands, and shoulders. But that other pain was ungodly awful and I'm so thankful it's gone.
I'm also incredibly thankful to have been able to get transferred back to a neurologist at UAB/ Kirklin Clinic. The one I was seeing at St. Vincent's was just not getting it. Just brushed me off. Completely ignored what I tried to tell him.. I was sorely disappointed in him because he seemed to good at first. But, my new UAB doc is great and I'm very happy with him.

So, I continue to go to grief counseling and it does help some. But I miss Allen so much. I am continuing to finish my place and parts of Allen's and to clean up. Lots going on. I will try to show photos of my places as it is completed, although I suspect much of the remainder may be done by people I hire. I will still do some but some of the work is too much for me now and I just have wayyyy too much on my plate.
So, I'll be back maybe a few times a year. Or something. I don't know. Y'all take care.

Magic Man

I wanted to post a little bit of an update for anyone that might possibly still be coming here. Might be a few of you still checking in occasionally. I am doing okay. Technically speaking, things are going very well. I am making good progress on finishing Allen's place. Not doing a whole lot on his remodel yet but making good progress cleaning up the place and getting rid of the tons of crap that had accumulated over 30 years with the previous owner. I have replaced the roof on the (Allen's) house and the store building next to it. I don't know that I will be able, or inclined to open the coffeehouse that Allen wanted but I will at least get everything put back together and remodeled. I'm working on much bigger plans actually but not going to go into details on those projects.

For myself, I'm doing okay. Fair. I have been going to grief counseling and it does help....but I can't say that I really feel any better. If that makes any sense. It's been 7 months and 16 days since he died and it still feels like someone just ripped my heart out. Counseling has helped me understand some things though. He was my dearest friend in this world. We had been together, in some form, for almost all of my adult life. And as I said before, we had not reunited as a romantic couple, but it didn't matter. We loved each other dearly. We had a wonderful, passionate time as a couple and we had a timeless bond as friends.
Allen was the only person in this world that I could always depend on and I hope he knew he could depend on me that much too. I certainly did my best to always be there for him. No matter what was going on, I knew he would be there. We had our problems, obviously because we did not stay together as a couple or marry. We could both be very stubborn and unfortunately, we only had a few years together where I was not dealing with some hideous tragedy or life-altering health issue. I had only known Allen about a year when my brother killed himself, so that literally scrambled my brain and took years for me to come to grips with that issue. I did okay for a few years when Allen and I were reunited again, but then started having my first symptoms of what I later found out to be Parkinson's. Contrary to what most people think, the first PD symptoms are often crippling anxiety, panic attacks and other similar problems. Allen had a lot of trouble dealing with those issues due to years of very bad experiences with others in his early life and also went through an extremely stressful job for 14 months, while I was coming apart at the seams from illness. We tried hard but decided then to live apart, albeit next door. We both hurt each other and we both forgave each other a lot.

 Despite everything, Allen never walked out on me when I was choking or having other health emergencies. Allen never stole from me or attempted to. No call from me ever went unanswered by him. Allen literally shared all he had with me. Allen never once threw me under the bus or ran me down to his family to make himself look like the victim. 

I can only pray that I was anywhere near as good a friend to him. I did my best. When Allen needed to get away from Fred, I would come up here and tend things for him so he could have a break. I'm so happy that Allen got to travel to England (twice!), Scotland, France, and Ireland! And around much of the East Coast. I was happy to hold down the fort for him. And when Fred got bad and needed constant care, I would come up here every day and we took care of business. I'd take morning shift so Allen could sleep in and work on his projects most of the day. Then he'd take over in the afternoon. That's one instance I was thankful for my Parkinson's. It forced me to retire from construction and travel, so I was home to be able to help Allen. And we never left each other even though we both had ample chance. He was a real man and he owned it.
I thank God every day that I had the years with him I did and that it was just me and him the last couple of years. We had a lot of fun in those 2 years to add to all the others. We got to go and travel a little on some day trips and just do some fun things. I regret every day, the years I wasted where I was not always by his side. They were a waste in the most tragic sense, other than they taught me a very good but very painful lesson. But Allen loved me regardless and I loved him. We built many, many wonderful things all over Alabama through the years and I treasure each one. Happily, many of the places are public and I can visit them whenever I want.

I do not know exactly what the future holds for me but I will do my best to make the most of what I have left. I will not post on this blog in any regular sense and maybe not at all anymore. Of course, y'all are used to that by now. I just want to say that this blog will remain and be dedicated to Allen. He was the one that came up with the name for it! It will be cleaned up of many other personal references. I've already started on that. I will keep all the building info because I still get a lot of people looking for such.
My house means nothing to me anymore. I mostly stay at the apartment where Allen and I lived for 3 years before I moved into my house. That has shocked many people and it has shocked me too, honestly. But I have no interest in that house anymore and don't know that I ever will. It's almost as if it doesn't even exist. Kind of like Fred's memory too. They are both just a bad specter in a faraway story that cause a tremendous amount of pain and anger. I never really felt at home in my house and had even thought of moving a few times. I think I may have even mentioned it on this blog a time or two. Allen had also thought of moving and we had discussed it on occasion, but one would never leave without the other. I think the reason my house never really felt like home was because Allen never lived there with me. He did stay with me quite a lot the first 2 years down there, and I was very happy with the house then, but as he left, so did my attachment to the house. It surprises me, because Allen and I did build it!. But I realized, we built tons of things, all over the place. It was just one more structure. With him gone, nothing here means anything to me anymore. I wish we had never moved to this county and that I never had the idiotic dream of homesteading or whatever. We never needed all this to be happy. In addition, after a few years of living here, we both realized that maybe this area of Alabama was possibly not the best choice. It's beautiful here.... but sorely lacking in progressive education and social activities. It's high in drug crime (meth) and just this redneck "I'll do whatever I please" mentality. When a junior college started moving into town, Allen and I both had great hopes that things would improve but I'm not sure they are going to.
But for now, I will complete what we both started. His place will be completed and be done the way he wanted it. After that, I don't know. My Parkinson's is progressing a bit faster than what I thought it would and I have no desire to beat my head against a wall trying to maintain all this. And Allen would not want me to. He provided for me and I mean to make the very, absolute best of what he did for me and honor him in the process. Not one red cent of what he worked so hard for will be squandered. As another friend put it so well: Allen was a good and loving friend. And he will be in my heart forever, until we are together again.

I'm sorry that I have not and will not continue this blog. I know some people used to read it for encouragement and ideas and it hurts me that I will stop. But, as I said before, the world is a MUCH different place now than it was 14 years ago when I started this blog. And it's much different just in the 7 months that Allen has been gone. I am not comfortable sharing as much anymore with unknown factors out there. I have realized, and been personally confronted with the fact, that many people are not the way they present themselves and I don't want to be on their radar. There are some people so manipulative and so good at it, not to mention just flat out physically dangerous, that they can do a tremendous amount of damage if they can weasel into your life and my circle is much smaller than it used to be. And I also know that I don't owe one damn person on this planet any explanation of how I live my life. There was one I did (Allen) and he's gone. No one else.

I used to be very insistent on telling my story, my side, but I realized the futility of that. And all of this has absolutely nothing to do with Allen or any part of him....People don't care about the truth and, once again, there are people so good at manipulation, you would never be able to overcome their deceit. But I don't care to anymore. People believe what they want to, so let them have it and gorge themselves on it. I have a life to live and I intend to make the most of it on my terms.

Y'all be good and be safe. I may drop in once a year or such and let you know a little of what's up as things progress. I'm still here and going. Allen and I still have a lot of work to do and I don't intend to let him down!!
If you are inclined, you can find me on Instagram (DragonValleyArtworks) or on Facebook (Ann Beaird). I can also control who follows me there. I don't post a lot on Instagram but there are a few things and you can message me.
Thank you all very much for the many years of companionship and encouragement that you gave me on this blog!! 

My Heart Is Broken

October 23 my heart was ripped in half.  Allen passed away suddenly from a massive stroke and I don't think my heart will ever be whole again. If you've read this blog for long then you know Allen and how much a part of my life he was and I was to him. Well beyond romantic partners, we were best friends, cohorts, work buddies. Allen and I have been together for 27 years, in one form or another. Almost all of my adult life. I met him when I was only out of college maybe a year. He was there to help me through my brother's death. He is the reason I got into construction and became a tradesperson. No matter what life brought, we were always there for each other. It occurred to me the other day that, even though we never took the marriage vows with each other, we lived them with each other and it was only death that parted us.

I've experienced well over my share of pain and heartache in my life. And I've gotten a belly full of Life's unfairness. We had finally found freedom from taking care of others (Fred passed away in April), Allen was able to do whatever he wanted with his property and life, and we were enjoying just being. He was joyously working on building a coffeeshop, after spending his entire life building things for everyone else. No worries but what to have for lunch or supper.
It was just me and him again and, although we remained just friends, we were closer than we had been in a very long time. We were having fun and I was starting to feel better after finally getting my meds adjusted correctly. Finally feeling like living again. All those years we, but mostly he, took care of Fred and took his abuse, and Allen doesn't even outlive him a year. There is nothing that will ever make sense to me anymore. Nothing is fair, right, justified....nothing.

I am eternally grateful that I was with him and able to get him to the ER in a timely manner but it came on so fast no one seemed to see it coming. It actually appeared to be his heart at first. The last thing he knew was talking to me and that I was holding his arm. He "lived" until the next day when they took him off life support but I know he passed away not long after he lost consciousness.

It's really hard for me to understand he's gone. I swing between numbness and the most excruciating pain I've ever known. I can only hope he understood how much I love him and that one day we will be together again.

So Much To Say

I just spent an hour and a half typing a fairly detailed account of what's been going on and how I am doing, and Blogger just ate it all. I have no idea where it went. So, that's really frustrating. I have trouble typing these days as it is and then to have it deleted after I struggled through a fairly long post.....You are a piece of crap, Blogger.
If I get the energy, I will try to redo it all. I am doing very well and am happy. Things are going very well. I'll try to get back soon. There has been a great many changes and stuff happening and I'd like to update everyone.

In the meantime, I am on Facebook if you would like to join me there. You might send me a PM if you never commented a lot on the blog, so that I know who you are. I don't know that I will ever get back to posting much here but I do write some on FB and post about the house and stuff. It's actually easier to post on Facebook and I can control who sees my life there. I'm not very inclined anymore to just open everything up to the world at large. I got nothing to hide but I do not trust people and the world is very, very different than what it was 12 years ago when I first started blogging.

I will include a photo of one recent project I just finished. I got all the flooring down in the bedroom and repainted, redecorated etc. I am very pleased with the results. I will try to blog about installing the flooring. I'm moving on to the kitchen now.

Here I Am

Well, so....I just look at people like this all the time now actually. But anyway. Hey! I'm still around and doing well. I'm tired and have a lot going on but I'm doing good.

 Since the last time I posted my Mom had a small stroke, which she recovered very well from. Then she had some spinal issues but we got that worked out also. Since my brother lives in the way northern part of the state and she and my sister had a bit of a row, I was the main caregiver in these incidences. But that's fine because Mama is generally easy to deal with. Then we had new windows put in her house and I went out of town a few times to do some work for Daddy Rabbit. That was fun but hard on me physically.

I have a couple of part-time jobs and various work I do, some of it from home. So that's great. Let's me work on things here too and rest when I need to or when I'm having a real bad day.

Then about 2 weeks ago a huge tornado came through here, right down my road. I was actually at my Mom's when it happened, and we watched it on TV! They were pointing at my road and saying, "it's right here!". I had no idea if I had a house anymore or anything. I couldn't get Allen on the phone, which scared me to death! I finally got home but it took a long time as there were countless trees down on our road. The police told me it was over 40 down. I don't doubt it. Both ways were blocked. I finally got in through an old gravel back road and then to Allen's to see if he was okay. He was!!. My place was okay. Several trees down and the top of one through the chicken's run but they are all okay too. We were without power for a couple of days and without phones for several but they finally got it all fixed. Still cleaning up the mess.  Then another one came through early this morning but I was so tired I slept through it. It did some damage but was further north of here.

Seems like there has been more to happen but I can't remember. I have meant to post more, but in lots of ways I am reluctant to post much. I just don't have as much to say anymore and I don't trust anyone. That little meme I started with is actually true. I've had someone (guess who) try to break into my credit card account. I got the ol' "you've tried to log it too many times" email from them and saying I must change my password. Which I promptly did and on a bunch of other stuff too. Then they were trying to get a hold of other financial info. Trying to find out how I'm living and not having to sell this place or whatever. No, I'm not living off credit cards or some man. Ha! I'd drink gasoline before there will ever be another man living here. But anyway, I'm just not inclined to talk much anymore. I don't trust people, due to so much bullshit and so many batshit crazy people that will cut your throat first chance they get. I would like to start another blog and refine what I post about but things have got to get less crazy first.
I hope everyone out there is doing well.! I do hope to establish some kind of posting again about the house, because I am starting to work on it again. But also a personal blog in another location. I hope you'll check in on me every once in a while.

My Old Addiction

Like my old addiction
Now the other side of Day
As the springtime
Of my life's time
Turns the other way
If a swan can have a song
I think I know that tune......  

 Thanks for checking in from time to time.  I'm still plugging along.  Still trying to get a hand on things and figure out my new direction.  I've been making some progress on some things and then not making progress on others. lol!  I think I have been on the Sinemet for enough time that it is relieving some of my long time pain in some areas.  But then, it seems to have just moved around in some ways too.  But hey, I guess anything different is good in a way.  A little variety at least.  My typing is slowly getting worse and I can feel the tremor in my left hand is more obvious at times.   But, the apathy and fatigue that has plagued me for so long really seems to be getting better.  Same with the brain fog.  I still have bad days of that but lots of days where it is not so bad or gone.  So, it's a mixed bag but I am happy and plugging along.  I go pretty good for 3 or 4 days and then crash but I can accomplish a fair amount in those 3 or 4 days, so I am happy with that. I do what I can.

The girls are all doing pretty good.  I finally took some new photos the other day and have a couple here.  I miss my Zuzu terribly still, but Gertie here is always a character in her own way and makes me laugh.  This chicken has had every kind of awful problem in the world but she keeps plugging along too.  Always feisty and ready to give her opinion on whatever is going on.  She's kind of my inspiration.
I've been listening to a lot of Cowboy Junkies and k.d. lang (loudly) and basically doing whatever the hell I want to do.  I was asked to judge a really great art show up in Decatur recently and that was a lot of fun.  You don't get paid but they put us (3 judges) in the Hilton and paid for all our meals, lots of free booze and snacks and a killer gift basket to take home.  Allen also went with me so that made it great fun! Kinda like the old days! He's always good to travel with and I'm sure he was happy to get away for a little while too. It was actually a very hard show to judge; lots of really, really good artists, but it was fun and a great time in a really cool town.

I even went down and poured concrete with Allen for my old sculpture professor.  He retired and is building a bronze foundry at his house, so we poured the pit and slab for the foundry.  Wasn't a lot of concrete by my old standards but it was enough to kick my ass now days.  Was fun though and I was happy to help Ted out.

I also went to visit Daddy Rabbit and his wife last month.  My oldest readers will remember that Daddy Rabbit is a superintendent that I used to work for quite a lot in the old days. We have kept in touch some over the years but I did not hear from him much while I was married.  He had a lot he was going through, health-wise etc.  But now we keep in touch more and he and his wife invited me down for the weekend.  I came back with a nice load of cool steel stuff for sculpture too!  It was a lot of fun and nice to see some friends from way back.  Lots of reminiscing.
I have put off working on my place for now in order to redo my Mom's bedroom and some of her house.  It's mostly cosmetic, so nothing really hard but it still wears me out.  But, she got to the point where she was having some pretty severe health issues due to allergies much like mine; mold etc.  I had remodeled the front part of her house years ago but had never gotten around to the back part and it is way overdue. Anyway, I hope to be finished maybe by Thanksgiving and back to working on my stuff mostly.  I had big plans for my 50th year but you know what they say about plans....God laughs.  Yep.  So, I just decided to go with the flow.  You know, just wing the hell out of it.  It's kinda hard but very freeing in a way too.  I'm fed, warm and dry.  Not much else you can ask for. Well, I could ask to not have this disease but you can crap in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up first. ha!

Days, up and down they come
Like rain on a congadrum
Forget most, remember some
But don't turn none away
Everything is not enough
And nothin' is too much to bear
Where you been is good and gone
All you keep is the getting there

To live is to fly
Low and high
So shake the dust off of your wings
And the sleep out of your eyes.

A Whole Lot More To Me

Hey-O Folks!  I'm still kickin'.  Just thought I'd drop a quick post per the usual.  I'm doing pretty good.  Still experimenting with my prescriptions and getting the right dosage and balance for me.  I went back to my Neurologist in May for my 6 month check in and he said it was just a matter of trying different dosages and timing to see what works best because everyone is so different with Parkinson's.  I think I'm finally making a little progress though.  The stiffness and pain had gotten so bad I had to do something and basically my options are kinds limited right now to drugs and exercise.  He did give me a much stronger muscle relaxer to try but it didn't do any good.  I tried it multiple times and it just never seemed to do anything.  Well, it made me fuzzy-headed and I hate that, so unless it really helped the pain I'm not taking that.  And it didn't.  Just upping my Sinemet and trying to stay moving more often seems to have done more than anything.  The effect is not immediate; it takes several days before anything is noticeable but it does seem to be helping.

A couple of days ago Allen and I took a trip up to Guntersville to see the Outdoor Alabama photo exhibit. I just needed to get out and do something fun.  This is the exhibit that my butterfly photo won a spot in.  So that was nice.  It's no big deal but just a nice thing in an otherwise fairly crappy last year. We also had a nice, quiet meal at a restaurant in Guntersville and then went up to the lodge at the state park, which is where the exhibit is right now.  The weather was great and Guntersville State Park is super nice. We walked around the camp grounds too.  They have a nice beach and I would really like to do some camping there some day.  They have tons of hiking options and all kinds of stuff.

This was after a really horrible day in which my lovey Zuzu passed away.  She had been sick for about 2 weeks and I thought was making some progress in getting better.  Well, she had made great progress in one area but then got sour crop, which can be very difficult, and I just didn't catch it in time.  I did finally realize what was going on and treat her for it but it was too much I guess.  At least she died sudden and I did not have to put her down, thank God.  She was just the biggest personality of any chicken and was so smart and funny.  I will miss her so much.

I have taken in 2 other rescue chickens in the past couple of weeks also.  I'll tell you about those soon.  They are doing really well.  Chigger and Callie the cat are doing well also.

I was also able to get a new laptop, which has made working online infinitely easier than what I had before.  The old laptop I had ran on Windows 7 and was right on the verge of dying.  They stopped supporting 7 back at the first of the year and it was just a matter of time.  That thing was so slow it took me forever to get anything done.  Now I can go pretty fast and it has helped my sales and ways to make money online.  So, I'm doing okay.  I mean, I built a house out of my pocket...I'm not a moron and I am resourceful.  Plus, these days there are lots of avenues in making money by working at home.  I do occasionally work a little for some folks but I'm still having trouble with so much pain and fatigue that working an 8 hour job is very difficult.  At home I can rest and then work later when I have recovered some.  Of course, I hope to improve and expand my means of working but it takes some time, especially when struggling so much with feeling bad.  But I will do it.  I will keep fighting.

Another interesting note is that I recently spoke to a cousin of mine and he appears to also have Parkinson's.  He hasn't been officially diagnosed yet but it looks pretty certain. I know I have mentioned that I had 2 uncles with Parkinson's.  Well, this cousin is the son of one of those uncles' twin brother.  That make sense?  Apparently, it is heavy in our genes.  So, that's crappy.  I hope to get into some research trials somewhere in the area; probably at UAB.  They are making some great progress these days in the research and if nothing else, maybe I can be of some help there.  I've got to do something.

She's Alright

And the girls are all alright also...Sorry to have dropped off the face of the earth, somewhat.  I never really think that anybody notices but enough of y'all emailed to give me a little kick in the butt, so I thought I'd drop a little update.  Mostly I am doing fine.  During all the bullshit of the past several months I fell off on my exercising and that has been the worst thing.  It's been kinda scary to see just how stiff my legs and lungs have gotten in that short time, now that I am trying to get back into the exercise groove.  I go to see my neurologist next week and we are going to have a serious talk about pain and stiffness.  I am still having a lot of trouble with that.

Mainly I have just been kinda reclusive.  I'm not sure if it's the disease or just being completely confounded and fed up with the bullshit reactions of some folks.  It's bad enough to have to come to grips with having something like this and then to have people say you are faking it, or...oh, it's not that bad...I wouldn't worry about it...blah, blah.  I don't even know if it's hatefulness?, cluelessness?....just dumb?...it's mind-boggling.  Then the folks that think they are going to take advantage of you if you're sick...oh, you're too sick to notice what they're doing behind your back and all that. People supposed to be friends that are stealing from you. 
I tell you one thing; living in peace, without having to worry, or find out constantly, what is being done or said about you behind your back, is the greatest treasure on earth.  No amount of money is worth sacrificing that peace.  I don't care how hard things may get for me, I can live in peace and I am enjoying the hell out of it.
One thing I want to do, is to devote the rest of my life to educating folks (those that can be educated) to the realities of "invisible illnesses".  I have been just absolutely floored with the amount of ignorance and prejudice thrown at folks who are struggling with everything they have against serious diseases but because most people think "they look fine" that they must be lying or faking or whatever.  And I think, why the hell would anyone lie about having something like this??  Oh yeah, let me make all this up so I can be called all kinds of ugly names, lose my job and half my friends run off.  Yeah boy, I can see the advantage to that.  What the bloody hell???

So, yeah, I still have a bit of anger about things.  And unfortunately, writing here often brings it out. So that's one reason I guess I have put off posting anything.  And I have not yet started another blog. But I assure you, my reasons for starting another blog are still there and legit and it will happen.  And I'm still watching my photos and the person who stole them and if I EVER see them used publicly without my permission there will be some hell to pay.
I also have trouble typing a lot of days and that is very frustrating.  Some days are not so bad but some days I spend so much time correcting mistakes that it's not much worth it.

At any rate, I am doing fine overall.  I have bad days and I have some pretty good days.  Every day I am in considerable pain but I keep going.  All my critters are doing well and all are fed.  I would go without before any of my girls would, but we are all doing fine in that regard.  In fact, I've had a huge glut of eggs and been trying like crazy to sell them all.  Thankfully, with the heat, the girls are slowing down a little with their laying.
I am getting by fine.  I'm not having to live off a credit card, despite what some would probably like to believe.  I'm not "destitute" as my poor old crazy neighbor says, or bedridden as he told my other neighbor the other day.  I have only planted about half the garden this year but I've been using a lot of it as pasture for the chickens, since they have to stay fenced up a bit more these days. I do make money from various jobs (partly my art) but I am not going into that for various reasons.  It is legit work though! lol!  I have planted tomatoes, lettuce, green beans, cukes, radishes, broccoli, peppers and maybe something else. 

My 1st place photo in the Outdoor Alabama photo contest is currently touring the state along with the 41 other finalists. I was real happy about that.  Another state museum has expressed definite interest in purchasing one of my sculptures for their permanent collection.  The director basically told me that as soon as I finished the third one in this particular series, that they would buy it.  Just gotta get this rain to stop so I can finish it.  It's a welded steel piece so that's the issue.  I don't yet have a covered welding area.  But I'm working on it and will get there one day.

So, there's a bit of an update.  I hope everyone out there is doing well.  I do hope to get the new blog going before long if I can get out of this reclusive state.  I don't want to say that I have become fearful of people but I have become very untrusting.  My family has been very supportive of me and I have a couple of really good friends that have proven to be golden, but having been diagnosed with Parkinson's has shown me a side of people that I, frankly, have been shocked to see.  Just dumbfounded.  And that's taking me a bit to process and get over.

Beautiful

Some folks will never see it but that's not my fault nor my problem.

Come Calling

 Hey! Ya'll bear with me!  I am working towards setting up a new blog and will get with those that have expressed interest very soon.  Thank you so much for all the responses!  I was pleasantly surprised to see so many still reading.  I intend to reply to each email and I truly appreciate all the kind words.  I will probably post here a couple more times also.
Here's a few chicken photos to appease you until I can get new stuff going! haha!

All the girls are doing well, although I have lost a few over this past year.  My dear, sweet little Ms. Peepers died though and I am just heartbroken still.  I still miss her so much.  She was one of my "lap chickens" and loved to be petted and snuggled.  She was a character.
I am doing well and getting a lot of stuff done.  I'm still having to adjust my meds some but I think I am making progress.  I've slacked off on my exercise though...which is badbadbad and need to get back to that.  I'm staying very active but that's not the same as regimented exercise.

I am making some progress on the house but am also working on redoing some stuff on the chicken house, garden and those areas.  So, lots of stuff going on.  I have good news on the art front also that I'll tell ya'll about soon.

My poor old neighbor with dementia is getting worse but he's not causing me any trouble, although he is still trying to and weekly threatens to call the sheriff about something.  He's gotten so out of his mind though it's gone from scary and concerning to just sad and pitiful.  The last incident was that he is convinced I am sneaking into his house to steal canned mangos.  It's just sad.  He is so miserable and he hates everyone.  It's like his hate is just collapsing in on him and he lashes out at anyone he comes across.  Allen and I have known him for many years now and we don't think he was ever a particularly nice person, i.e. is family won't have anything to do with him. Now he is reaping all those years of being hateful and judgemental towards everyone because no one will go up there out of fear and due to what he has done to folks over the years....He did and said some horrible things to me but I just feel sorry for him.  I don't know that I've ever seen anyone that full of hate for so many right at the end of their life.

But, things are going well for me and I'm very optimistic.  I'm trying hard to just concentrate on improving things here and working on my health.  See y'all soon!!

Crazy Train

Due to privacy issues (that have nothing to do with things I have talked about recently) and the fact a person has been stealing my photos, this blog with be shut down.  I know that I may sound like a whackadoodle after all I've written about but I have verified this through 3rd parties, so it is unfortunately true. This person has been following me for over a year now and it is very upsetting because they have also tried to get some of my friend's personal info and I got proof recently that they are taking my photos, which I had suspected.  Since I make part of my living with my photos, I have to protect them and myself.  This decision is solely related to this person's actions and a result of my absolutely refusing to put up with even a shred of any more bullshit.  I have had it with deceptive, malicious behavior and am going through my life with a broad sword, a sieve and a torch.

The blog will still exist for the construction information, and the fact that any photos stolen here have already been got, so I'm just gonna leave most of it..  However, it will be cleaned up of many personal references and just left for the building/ gardening info.  I don't want to make it private because then it would block folks from finding relevant construction info and I still get a lot of hits for people looking for that sort of thing.  I will start a new, very anonymous blog (also about building, gardening etc.) sometime very soon, so if you want to follow along please email me at the address over to the right, at my personal email if you know it, or message me on Facebook. And I give you my solemn word that your email address will be sacred to me.  I will never disclose it to anyone.  I will explain what's happening on the new blog.  If you email me, I will verify that you are who you say you are and then send you the link.  I will also be sending out the link in an email to those of you that I have your contact info. If you do not wish to follow me to the new blog then I sincerely thank you for reading all these years and wish you the best. Cheers!

Edit:  Some folks may wonder (and I do too sometimes!) why I continue to write and share, especially some of the very troubling things.  A longtime reader sent me an email and this was one line..." your sharing your struggles in life makes my own seem easier to face..."  Okay, THIS is why I keep writing.  This is why I share.  Due to a lot of circumstances, I can't physically help many folks.  I don't have the various means.  But if I can encourage anyone to keep trying and fighting, then I will do that and the hell with anyone that scoffs at it.

There's A House In The Forest

 Just thought I'd share a few photos of the snow we had back in December, before Christmas actually.  It's kinda rare for us to have much snow before January but not unheard of.

 It was a fun, pretty snow and didn't hang around for a very long time, so that was good.

I am trying to get back into the habit of posting and hope to have many new things to share with ya'll soon!

Take care and stay warm!!

Blessing For The New Year

Beannacht: A Blessing for the New Year
“On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The grey window
And the ghost of loss
Gets in to you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green,
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays
In the currach of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.”
~John O'Donohue

Chicken Time

Okay, I'm gonna do some shameless self-promotion here!!  If you are so inclined, please follow the link I'm going to share and purchase your very own 1st Annual Girls of Dragon Valley Calendar!!! Brought to you by popular demand on Facebook.  I think you'll enjoy it.  I told the girls that if they are not going to lay many eggs....they gonna have to make me some money some other way!
Seriously, I very much appreciate any purchases and I think you'll be pleased with the quality of these calendars.  I've used Lulu for a few years now and they make a good product.  Order now and you can be assured of getting them before Christmas!!  These would make a great gift for any chicken fan and you'll be supporting a small business of someone you know, instead of helping some CEO purchase his 5th house.  Thank you!! 

http://www.lulu.com/shop/ann-beaird/my-calendar/calendar/product-23434164.html

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All You Can Carry

 Boy, time just flies by here like lightning!  Just about the time I thought I might have more to post about, Life throws a monkey wench in it all.  About 3 weeks ago, Fred (my elderly neighbor) had a small stroke and Allen and I have been very busy since taking care of him.  I take mornings up until about noon and Allen takes over from there. Of course, it varies and some days I end up going up there well into the night.  But then it's reversed some days too.  Fred is doing better but still needs help with some meals, washing dishes and laundry and taking to doctor's appointments.  Some days I don't have to do too much but then some days (like today) I was up there for quite a while.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it on this blog before, but Fred is also a notorious hoarder.  Something that afflicts many folks these days.  Allen has asthma and I have bad allergies, so it's a struggle for the both of us to say the least.  We've kinda made a dent in the worst of the filth though, so it's slightly better now.  Well, rats don't jump out of the kitchen drawers at you anymore, I'll say that.

So, I am still trying to get more into doing my art and have actually opened an Etsy shop.  It's small now but I hope to add more soon.  I've included a few photos of some fun little things I've done lately.  Now, these are not any kind of high art and I don't pretend for them to be.  It's just something fun that I've enjoyed doing.  And it helps me practice with the idea of taking random scrap and making them into totally unrelated objects.  They are very much like puzzles and it helps my brain and thinking processes.

 Finding these old vintage cheese graters is actually quite a challenge nowadays.  I've managed to locate a few.

I really like the big dragonfly.  Most people show these hanging on walls (like on Pinterest) but I like mine standing on legs!  I don't know....makes him seem more ready to fly away or something. Ha! I like his little curled up feeties too.  Did you know that a real dragon fly cannot walk?  Their legs are only for standing and grabbing.  They can't actually move them in a walking motion.

Before Fred had his stroke I had also managed to do a bit more work on the kitchen, running all the backsplash tile and pouring the last bar top counter top.  I'll try to post photos of that soon.  I looks great. 
I've been keeping up my running and exercising but have not entered any more 5Ks.  I hope to do that but they've either been too far away, too expensive or in the morning and my mornings are spent with Fred now.  At any rate, I need to do the running and exercising no matter what.  I've been doing a lot of yard work also.  Since switching to the Sinemet I have been feeling better for the most part, although I still have a bad day every so often and I still have issues with driving very far. One great thing is that my right shoulder has started to loosen up!  I've been to the Doc about it and he said it was "frozen shoulder", which happens with some Parkinson's folks (and others as well), and it had gotten pretty bad.  I really had a lot of trouble showering, washing my hair etc.  But since starting on the Sinemet it's slowly loosening up and today I was actually able to do 3 sets of tricep dips in my workout!!  Yay!! something I've not been able to do in a very long time.  Unfortunately, I've been quite tired since I've been helping Fred out so much and my tremors are noticeably worse on some days.  If I get tired or upset they start up real bad and that's been an issue but hopefully things will improve and I can get a little more rest.

I will try to post again soon but ya'll know I say that every time and then never manage to! ha!

Growing Her Wings

 Whew!!  I have been really busy lately!  Which is a great thing.  We are beginning the height of our growing season here and have lots of stuff coming in from the garden now.  So, you know that means picking, canning, freezing, drying and so on.

 Most of the garden is doing well but some things got off to a real slow staart, like the tomatoes and okra.  We've had plenty of rain!  But that's makes for not so much sunshine...at that slows down some veggies.  We are finally starting to get a little of everything now.

 I guess I put this up mainly for the little birds!  They are about the only ones that ever see it!  The little phoebes and bluebirds have been working their little hearts out this year though...catching lots of bugs for me.

 I think we will have a much better corn crop this year.  We added amendments to this plot all winter long and it seems to have helped a lot.  Can't wait for some fresh, hot buttered corn on the cob!!

 Just a little sampling of what we are getting so far. 

 We also did a bit of landscaping while we had the neighbor's backhoe.  This area was really lumping and horrible; filled with rocks and stumps.  It was about impossible to mow, so I had Allen dig up all the stumps and grade everything.  We also expanded the little wet weather stream bed and I am slowly lining it with flat rocks to make it more attractive when it's dry.  It looks pretty nice actually but this photo isn't very good.  The edges are lined with irises in places.
We also cut out several old, crappy trees and expanded the cleared area, which you can't really seee here.  We intend to plant another apple tree and possibly a plum and cherry.

My annual row of zinnias in the garden is finally  blooming!  There are a few other flowers mixed in but the zinnias kinda dominate.

Thank you for all the kind comments in the last post.  I wanted to respond here to a couple of the last ones made, so to be sure they would be seen.  And also, please, please note this:  my blog is set so that all comments made after 3 days of the post publishing, must be moderated by me.  I have to physically post them.  Blogger does NOT always tell me when some people comment.   I don't know why.  So....I don't always know that I a comment has been left unless I go to the blog dashboard and check specifically for that.  I forget to do this frequently because not a lot goes on here anymore.  I recently discovered a comment from last year!! that I never knew about and never published!  I would never skip a comment on purpose (unless the person was just being a total and complete, useless ass in their comment), so if this ever happens, please know it is not on purpose.  My memory is just not what it was and sometimes I forget to look.

Since March the doctor has had me trying a couple of different meds and dosage amounts etc. and it's had me all over the place at times.  But that's just natural.  They have to try lots of different things for each person to find the right combo.  Anyway, he doubled my dose of Mirapex lately and I had a very bad reaction to that and went I dropped back down to my low dose it seemed to throw me in a another horrible direction!  It was quite unpleasant.  So, after wrangling around with the cost of another drug (there was no way I could begin to afford it) he put me on a very, very low dose of Sinemet.  This is actually helping a lot and I feel much better.  I still have a lot of pain and stiffness but the brain fog is better and just feeling more like doing things and with a better outlook.  My skin has cleared up great and doesn't hurt all the time and I can swallow food easily now.

Tammy asked about a support group and I have looked into that.  Unfortunately, there is only one anywhere around me and that's at UAB, of course.  On a good day... UAB is at least 45 minutes away, usually 50-60 minutes, so that's not really something that would work well.  I still don't often feel "clear" or "on" enough to drive in Birmingham traffic. If you've ever been or lived here you'll know what I mean! lol!  So.  I did find a good online support group though, that I like very much and is very helpful.  So, that allows me some contact with folks that truly understand my condition.  They are very encouraging and a lot of them have some pretty wicked sense of humor, so it's fun.

So, that's part of what's going on.  Hopefully I will be back soon with some more activity!!  I hope you all are enjoying your summer!!

Hello Hello!!

 Anybody still out there??!!!

 Ha!  I truly did not mean to be gone this long but I guess life, mental fogginess, apathy, spurts of busyness and everything in between has gotten in the way.  I have been feeling better lately in many ways but still seem stuck when trying to come up with anything to post about.  Maybe I've just gotten so used to the instant post and response of Facebook and similar sites that blogging seems sluggish to me.  I do know that there are many days I have trouble with typing still.  Spend more time trying to correct mistakes than actually typing.  I'm also having trouble with words more often.  I forget or just can't think of the specific words I'm trying to recall.  Of course, everyone does that to some extent but it's getting fairly frequent for me and, as someone that is used to writing fairly easily in the past, it is very frustrating.

 Unfortunately, I just don't have that much to post about it seems.  We did have our annual heavy rains and flooding, as you can see.  They just came about 4 months later than normal.  But that's fine.  We are out of our horrible drought at last.  I think there are just a few tiny area of minor drought over on the west side of the state but for the most part we seem to have recovered.  As you could see in the first photo also, our garden is doing really well.  And many of the flowers are going great this year. 

 I am struggling horribly to get back into any art business though.  Sales for all kinds of things have just plummeted.  You may recall that Allen and I had a booth in an antique/ junk mall where we were making halfway decent sales.  Well, that just all tanked, so we shut that down.  Many others in that same mall have shut down also. I'm looking into online sales, like maybe Etsy, but not sure how that's going to go.  I'll give it a go most likely.  Some people do really well and some don't.  It seems like just sort of a gamble. You never know what's going to be a seller these days. So that's really been a bummer to me.  I've never, ever had trouble making money with my crafts or construction or anything.  Now, it's just all a bomb.  I really don't know what to do.  But it's just one more thing helping me to feel about useless.

 I am having some moderate success selling produce from our garden and eggs.  I mean, it ain't nothing to make any kind of living but it helps pay my incidentals and buy a few groceries that we don't grow.  I'm going to tell you the truth...I feel cursed.  Honest to God, cursed.  Like there is some kind of blackness settled here.  I even smudged and salted the house in an effort to clear things.  It did feel better afterwards and I have had more energy to do things but everything just seems a dead end.  I have a feeling I know where it's coming from but I have no solution at this point.  I'll just have wait it out I guess.

I do not mean to abandon this blog but it's just very hard to formulate a meaningful post anymore.  My brain is just pulled in several different directions at once.  It's hard to concentrate. Typing just now I am suddenly having an excruciating time getting these words out and typing correctly.  I was doing pretty good there for a while and it's like, 2 seconds ago everything just crashed.  If I were to leave this written as is and uncorrected, you would not be able to make heads or tails of what I was trying to say.
I went to back to my neurologist on Monday and he wants to up my Mirapex dosage to see if it doesn't help this brain fog and stuff a bit more.  I'm also having a great deal of trouble with my right side and right shoulder.  Everything on that side has just become so stiff that I am having trouble functioning with some things.  I have a lot of difficulty washing my hair, getting dressed etc. because I can't raise my right arm very much.  So, went back yesterday and had an MRI and X-rays just to rule out an injury.  I don't think it's any kind of injury because when it started I felt so bad I generally didn't do crap around here.  Hard to injure yourself laying on the couch. 

So, I am really still struggling with many things.  A lot of it is emotional.  Parkinson's is a very, very difficult diagnosis to accept.  It's especially hard when you feel so alone.  It's a scary disease and no one wants to hear about it or talk abut it.  If they even believe you have it to begin with.  You want to tell people what's going on with you; why you're so slow, why you're hurting so much, why you are having trouble talking...but then, you figure maybe it's best to keep your mouth shut because you know they are judging you the whole time if you don't act like that person on TV that has Parkinson's acts.  Frustration is rampant.  I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhog Day.  Except every day I have to get up, do my exercises, run until I just can't anymore, just to get my brain to pump out enough dopamine to get my head clear enough to understand what I'm doing for the day and maybe have enough energy to do it.  Then I go to bed exhausted and it all resets itself during my sleep.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Over and over. 
And it's only me to cheer myself on, to pat myself on the back when I do pretty good for the day, when I fight back and don't just totally succumb to the whole shittiness of this condition.  I post a few photos on Facebook so that 2 or 3 people can tell me I'm doing okay.  That maybe I'm not falling so far behind that I'll never catch up.  But it actually helps.  A kind word goes a long way, even if it's not in real time.  You take what you can get, ya know?
I will improve. I will get better.  I will finish my house and I will have a happy, productive life.  There's a season for everything I guess....as the ol' saying goes.

I Won't Back Down

 So, things are chugging along here.  We have almost all the garden in, except for just a few things, and it's all going gangbusters.  Should have taters coming in soon to join the radishes and lettuce.

 The broccoli plants are growing well but not showing any signs of heading up so far.  This has been such a weird year, weather-wise though, I'm not sure what they are going to do.  If nothing else they will become chicken feed and that's okay.  I'm always looking for fresh stuff to feed those bottomless pits.  We are also getting lots of lots of eggs!  The girls are in overdrive! lol!

 We should have a very good crop of blueberries this year and hopefully, cherries also.  Even my rhubarb came back this year and is really putting out the stems.  Remarkably, it has lasted several years here, so I might be able to actually cut some this year.

 Love me some Easter Egg radishes.  They are so pretty.  I also planted some of the "watermelon" variety of radishes but they have not finished yet.  They are about double the time as these Easter Eggs; which  are a very early type.
I'm not sure if we are going to try to sell at the farmer's market this year.  I did better just selling from home last year and advertising on Facebook when I had stuff available.

 In some other good news, the university I attended recently purchased one of my sculptures for it's permanent collection.  It replaced another one of my sculptures that was supposed to go in the collection but the university wanted to give that one to a very generous patron.  This patron had bough the original sculpture at one of the alumni auctions on the premise she got to keep if for a year to enjoy herself before handing it over to the school.  Now, she gets to keep the one she loved so much, the school still gets one for it's collection, and I made a little money and have 2 more items to add to  my CV.

 I also ran my first official 5K and came in 2nd in my age group (45-49)!!!  Woooo!! I was so excited.  I was 4th overall amongst the women and if I remember correctly there was about 126 women in the run.  The week before my back had decided it hated me and became so stiff I could barely get around.  I was sure I would just have to forfeit the race and this thought was very, very upsetting to me.  I was very discouraged and heartbroken at that possibility.  I mean, the race was nothing; I knew I would not win anything but I wanted to be able to just do it.  I kept working, stretching, soaking and being very, very careful with taking my meds until I got to the point I thought, well, I can give it a try. Honestly, I wasn't even sure the morning of the run.  Thank goodness it was a late afternoon/ evening event because I do better at that time of day.  Anyway.  We went and I was just going to be happy to not finish last. LOL!  And amazingly, did way better than that!

Now, I'll tell you, in the same month, I've also been rejected from 2 art exhibits (one of which I really had my heart set on), passed over one run because of feeling bad and have hurt excruciatingly bad since running this one.  I guess the success/ failure rate is about 1:2 right now.  A number of things in my life have not turned out like I thought or had hoped.  Not even close on a couple.  But you just have to keep trying, keep going, and like I kept telling myself during that 5K....just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  And if I get to where I can't move my feet...I'll crawl if I have to.