Monday, September 01, 2008
Time of the Season
Edited: I am going to sound like a completely ungrateful butthead in this post but please know that lack of gratitude is not the problem. I am extremely thankful for everything and I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not going to delete this post either because I think it is just an accurate record of what happens sometimes in life.
The title here may be appropriate for more than one reason if any of you remember that old song. Anyway, I noticed the phenomenon you see in the photo above this Saturday morning. I know it was not there last weekend but since I leave home well before sunrise during the week, I am not sure exactly what day the sun started making it presence known, though it is very recent. So, you know what this means. Summer is winding down quickly. By 10:00 a.m. this little streak is gone as the sun has moved over enough to be blocked by trees but it is dropping lower in the sky. It was very early in the morning and I had gone out onto the deck to enjoy some coffee and look around. I turned to go back inside the house for something and I saw it. It just struck me like a ton of bricks. Summers gone; I've done nothing. The progress on the house is just limping along. The yards grown up, the garden is in shambles and I'm too tired to do anything.
Yesterday was not a particularly good day. I mean, the weather was nice but my spirits lately have just taken a direct hit. Well, actually that's been going on for some time but it just seemed to culminate this weekend when I was struck with how late in the year it is. I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm just not getting anywhere. I've lost my appetite; for lots of things. Things are not making sense to me anymore. I realized that I probably went in the hole on the garden this year. What meager food it produced (because I didn't have time to attend to it) didn't come anywhere near the cost of preparing and planting it. I have not been able to put anything up from it. Two quart bags of green beans and some dried peppers just don't count. I look around and I think 'what the hell am I doing". I have all these big, pompous statements on my sidebar about living an ecological life and I'm not doing squat. Yeah, I buy organic and use natural cleaning stuff I make myself; well, big deal.
I bought three beautiful ducks to help with pest control and to start the process towards acquiring animals for food etc. I had them in a fenced area, I thought protected, but some creature, dog or coyote, broke through the fence and ate them. Broke the electric fence and tore the hog wire up to get to them. So, I'm going to have to build a avian Alcatraz if I want to keep any chooks or anything and I've got lots of time for that.
I cannot handle this much land and finish this house by myself. I've looked into changing jobs. I've talked with everyone I know about my options on that. My company has asked me to teach in the apprentice program and I thought maybe that could turn into something but now we have no first year students to teach because we have downsized so. Physically I can not continue to do the work I do much longer. Even the guys at work are getting concerned. They worry over me and fuss but I don't know what to do. I have to keep the income in order to buy materials for the house but I rarely have time to put said materials up. Winter is coming and I have to get the new heater installed in the basement.
Why did everything work out for me so perfectly to acquire this land and be able to build on it, only to see everything disintegrate because I don't have time or ability to complete what I've started? It seems like every door I come to slams in my face. I've been through stuff like this before and I know that right when it seems that you've done all you can do, something will just suddenly create the perfect condition to work everything out but that's not happening now. I'm past what I thought was the end of the rope. There seems to be absolutely no purpose to what I am doing. I am not doing myself any good and am sure not able to be of any good to anyone else! I can't help anyone around me and showing this house and land isn't doing anyone a bit of good because there is nothing to show.
I'm sorry this is such a downer post but that's just the way I feel right now. And I am so grateful for what I have; that's why I want to use it for some good, but it's like, I can't even do that. To think that I was given all this and all my abilities also, just for my benefit, is disgusting. That cannot be right. I'm trying to keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do something every day even if it is just to pull a few weeds or sweep off the porch but I'm lost. I don't even know what else to say.