Steppin' Out

Well, I set the last step this morning and then tried to straighten and clean up a bit. I think the steps came out pretty well. They're very sturdy if nothing else. I can be a little OCD about some stuff, insisting on perfectly straight lines and right angles etc. but with this type of material you have to be accepting of a certain, shall we say, organic quality to the work. There are some cracks and the run of the steps vary some, but it is okay. It is what it is. I like the challenge of taking found materials and creating with them as they are. Just making what you were given work, you know. Too bad I have trouble with this philosophy in other parts of my life.
I sit back and look at this, and other stuff I build, and I wonder sometimes why the hell go to so much trouble? Why didn't I just put the house where I wouldn't have needed a retaining wall for parking? Why not just build a regular house and be done with it? Just go to Lowe's and buy their stock cabinets or whatever, stick it in and go on with my life? It occurred to me today that perhaps it is vanity. Pure vanity just to prove to somebody that I can do this. I don't know who and I've built enough over the years that I don't think I really have more to prove.
I was so sore last night when I went to bed, I figured I would go right to sleep but I couldn't. I hurt all over. It would have been nice to have had a warm, male body to lie against. Maybe that would have helped me sleep, like a heating pad, you know. But the guys at work, and others, tell me that my doing stuff like this is intimidating to men and that I scare them off. This is not my opinion, mind you. This is what men have told me. It's emasculating for men to see that I can do this and don't need a man to help me. Maybe so, I don't know. I know I can see that look though, when I tell some guy I've met that I built my own house. And that is not something I am quick to say, believe me. But the look that says, "this woman's delusional and if she's telling the truth, she's psychotic."
Oh, sorry I'm in a kinda crappy mood. Well, not really crappy, just weird. Maybe I am insane and don't know it. They say that if you really are nuts, that you think you're fine. Hhhmm. Well, maybe one day I can find a way to have this land turned into a park and all the little kids can sit around and tell stories about this crazy lady that built all this! lol! And every once in a while she would lure some unsuspecting man back into the woods and ...... okay, okay enough of that! ha! Time to go visit Cat Daddy this weekend.


*Joe Jackson